Time tables for Mumbai SSC and HSC 2009 examinations have been put up on SheelaMishra.com. Here are the links for the time tables

Mumbai SSC Examinations Time Table March 2009

Mumbai HSC Examinations General Time Table March 2009

Mumbai HSC Examinations MCVC (New Course) Time Table March 2009

Mumbai HSC Examinations MCVC (Old Course) Time Table March 2009

A maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this and asked, “Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?”

Maria: “Well Senora, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you.”

Wife: “Who said you iron better than me?”

Maria: “Your husband said so.”

Wife: “Oh.”

Maria: “The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.”

Wife: “Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?”

Maria: “Your husband did.”

Wife: “Oh.”

Maria: “My third reason is that I am a better lover than you.”

Wife (really furious now): “Did my husband say that as well?”

Maria: “No Senora, the gardener did.”

SHE GOT THE RAISE!

A little boy was waiting on his mother to come out of a store. As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, “Son, can you tell me where the post office is?”

The little boy replied, “Sure, just go straight down the street a couple of blocks and turn to your right.”

The man thanked the boy kindly and said, “I’m the new preacher in town, and I’d like for you to come to church on Sunday. I’ll show you how to get to Heaven.”

The little boy replied with a chuckle, “Aw, come on. You don’t even know the way to the post office!”

After a church service on Sunday morning, our son suddenly announced to his mother, “Mom, I’ve decided to become a minister when I grow up.” “That’s okay with us, but what made you decide that?”

“Well,” he said, “I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen

Worried to Death

The ninety-five year old woman at the nursing home received a visit from one of her fellow church members.

“How are you feeling?” the visitor asked.

“Oh,” said the lady, “I’m just worried sick!”

“What are you worried about, dear?” her friend asked. “You look like you’re in good health. They are taking care of you, aren’t they?”

“Yes, they are taking very good care of me.”

“Are you in any pain?” she asked.

“No, I have never had a pain in my life.”

“Well, what are you worried about?” her friend asked again.

The lady leaned back in her rocking chair and slowly explained her major worry.

“Every close friend I ever had has already died and gone on to heaven. I’m afraid they’re all wondering where I went.”

An old country preacher had a teen-age son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought along the line of choosing a profession. Like many young men, then and now, the boy didn’t really know what he wanted to do-and he didn’t seem overly concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy’s room and placed on his study table these three objects: a Bible, a silver dollar, and a bottle of Tennessee sippin’ whiskey… “Now then,” the old preacher said to himself, “I’ll just hide behind the door here, and when my son comes home from school this afternoon, I’ll see which of these three objects he picks up. If he picks up the Bible, he’s going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he’s going to be a businessman, and that would be O.K. too. But if he picks up the bottle, he’s going to be a drunkard – a no-good drunkard and Lord, what a shame that would be.”

The old man was anxious as he waited, and soon he heard his son’s footsteps as he came in the house whistling and headed back to his room. He deposited his books on the bed, as a matter of routine, and as he turned around to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With a curious set in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. He picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink…

“Lord have mercy,” the old man whispered, “he’s gonna be a politician!”

A young college student had stayed up all night studying for his zoology test the next day. As he entered the classroom, he saw ten stands with ten birds on them with a sack over each bird and only the legs showing. He sat on the front row because he wanted to do the best job possible.The professor announced that the test would be to look at each of the bird’s legs and give the common name, habitat, genus, species, etc.

The student looked at each of the birds legs. They all looked the same to him. He began to get upset. He had stayed up all night studying and now had to identify birds by their legs. The more he thought about it, the madder he got. Finally, he could stand it no longer. He went up to the professor’s desk and said, “What a stupid test! How could anyone tell the difference between birds by looking at their legs?”

With that he threw his test down on the professor’s desk and walked to the door. The professor was surprised. The class was so big that he didn’t know every student’s name; as the student reached the door, the professor called out, “Mister, what’s your name?”

The enraged student pulled up his pants legs and said, “You guess, buddy! You guess!”

Three men were in the hospital waiting room. The nurse came in and said, “Mr. Brown, you are now the father of twins.” Mr. Brown grinned. “How about that–I work for the Minnesota Twins.”

A little later, the nurse came back and said, “Mr. Green, you are the father of triplets.” Mr. Green beamed. “Well wouldn’t you just know it,” he said. “I work for 3M.”

When the nurse came back again, the third guy turned white and passed out. Mr. Brown and Mr. Green carried him to a sofa, and the nurse revived him. “Are you all right?” she asked. “I’m not sure,” the fellow admitted. “You see, I work at the 7-Up bottling plant!”