A man walked into a therapist’s office looking very depressed. “Doc, you’ve got to help me. I can’t go on like this.”

“What is the problem?” the doctor inquired.

“Well, I am 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away.”

The doctor replied, “My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you’ll have women buzzing all around you.”

» Read more: No Luck With The Ladies

Dear God,

Yesterday was an awful day for me..

My husband ran off with his secretary.
My son pierced his eyebrow.
My daughter tattooed the bald spot on her head.
My dog mated with the neighbor’s cat.
My neighbor sold her house to a mental institution.
My Mom told me I was adopted.
My boss told me I was laid off.
My sister was arrested for prostitution.
My house has termites.
My car was stolen.
All that came in the mail was bills.
A plane crash landed on my garage.
OJ Simpson came to my door selling rug cleaner.
And my TV blew.

Lord, please be with me today.

I was able to live through all that misery yesterday.

And I will be able to make it through anything today!

But please….

DON’T LET ANYTHING HAPPEN TO MY COMPUTER!

Unix
You shoot yourself in the foot.

DOS
You keep running up against the one-bullet barrier.

MS-Windows
The gun blows up in your hand.

Windows NT
The gun is so huge and unwieldy that you have to keep swapping it from one hand to the other.

» Read more: Modern Operating Systems

A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.

Approaching the friend he comments, “You look terrible. What’s the problem?”

“My mother died in August,” he said, “and left me $25,000.”

“Gee, that’s tough,” he replied.

“Then in September,” the friend continued, “My father died, leaving me $90,000.”

“Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you’re depressed.”

» Read more: Absolutely Nothing?

For those who love the philosophy of ambiguity, as well as the idiosyncrasies of English:

• Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
• One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
• Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
• If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
• The main reason that Santa Claus is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. » Read more: The Philosophy of Ambiguity

A child's play

A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee’s home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whisper.

The child says, “Hello.”

“Is your daddy home?” he asked.

“Yes,” whispered the small voice.

Boss: “May I talk with him?”

The child whispered, “No.”

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, “Is your Mommy there?”

Child: “Yes.”

Boss: “May I talk with her?”

» Read more: A Child’s Play

DORMITORY: When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN: When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER: When you rearrange the letters: MOON STARER

DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES: When you rearrange the letters: THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH: When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE

GAUTENG: When you rearrange the letters: GET A GUN

THE MORSE CODE: When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY: When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS: When you rearrange the letters: LIES – LET’S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS: When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z ‘S

A DECIMAL POINT: When you rearrange the letters: IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES: When you rearrange the letters: THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO: When you rearrange the letter: TWELVE PLUS ONE

MOTHER-IN-LAW: When you rearrange the letters: WOMAN HITLER