As they were walking toward the green, the second man said, “That was a touching show of respect for the the deceased back there. I had no idea you were so sentimental.”

The first man shrugged and said, “It’s the least I could do. I was married to her for thirty years.”

Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Mary led off: “I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30.”

She said proudly, “My sales approach was to appeal to the customers’ civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success.”

“Very good,” said the teacher.

Little Sally was next: “I sold magazines.”

She said, “I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them abreast of current events.”

“Very good, Sally,” said the teacher.

Eventually, it was Little Johnny’s turn. The teacher held her breath. Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher’s desk “$2,467,” he said.

“$2,467,” cried the teacher, “what in the world were you selling?”

“Tooth brushes,” said Little Johnny. “Tooth brushes,” echoed the teacher, “how could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?”

“I found the busiest corner in town,” said Little Johnny. “I set up a Chip and Dip stand. I gave everybody who walked by a sample. They all said the same thing… ‘Hey, this tastes like shit!’

Then I would say, “It is shit. Wanna buy a toothbrush?”

The English Language

Have you ever wondered why foreigners have trouble with the English Language?

Let’s face it
English is a stupid language.

There is no egg in the eggplant
No ham in the hamburger
And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England
French fries were not invented in France.

We sometimes take English for granted
But if we examine its paradoxes we find that

Quicksand takes you down slowly
Boxing rings are square
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

If writers write, how come fingers don’t fing.
If the plural of tooth is teeth, shouldn’t the plural of booth be beeth
If the teacher taught, why didn’t the preacher praught.

If a vegetarian eats vegetables
What the heck does a humanitarian eat!?
Why do people recite at a play
Yet play at a recital?
Park on driveways and
Drive on parkways

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy
Of a language where a house can burn up as
It burns down
And in which you fill in a form
By filling it out
And a bell is only heard once it goes!

English was invented by people, not computers
And it reflects the creativity of the human race
(Which of course isn’t a race at all)

That is why

When the stars are out they are visible
But when the lights are out they are invisible
And why it is that when I wind up my watch, it starts
But when I wind up this observation, it ends.

One of them said to the other three, “People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears, but we have no one that we can go to when we have problems.”

The others agreed. Then one said, “Since we are all professionals, why don’t we take some time right now to hear each other out?”

The other three agreed.

The first then confessed, “I have an uncontrollable desire to kill my patients.”

The second psychiatrist said, “I love expensive things and so I find ways to cheat my patients out of their money whenever I can so I can buy the things I want.”

The third followed with, “I’m involved with selling drugs and often get my patients to sell them for me.”

The fourth psychiatrist then confessed, “I know I’m not supposed to, but no matter how hard I try, I can’t keep a secret.”

“What is the problem?” the doctor inquired.

“Well, I am 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away.”

The doctor replied, “My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you’ll have women buzzing all around you.”

The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face.

“Did my advice not work?” asked the doctor.

“It worked alright. For the past several weeks I’ve enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women.”

“So, what’s your problem?”

“I don’t have a problem,” the man replied. “My wife does.”

Yesterday was an awful day for me..

My husband ran off with his secretary.
My son pierced his eyebrow.
My daughter tattooed the bald spot on her head.
My dog mated with the neighbor’s cat.
My neighbor sold her house to a mental institution.
My Mom told me I was adopted.
My boss told me I was laid off.
My sister was arrested for prostitution.
My house has termites.
My car was stolen.
All that came in the mail was bills.
A plane crash landed on my garage.
OJ Simpson came to my door selling rug cleaner.
And my TV blew.

Lord, please be with me today.

I was able to live through all that misery yesterday.

And I will be able to make it through anything today!

But please….

DON’T LET ANYTHING HAPPEN TO MY COMPUTER!

DOS
You keep running up against the one-bullet barrier.

MS-Windows
The gun blows up in your hand.

Windows NT
The gun is so huge and unwieldy that you have to keep swapping it from one hand to the other.

OS/2
The gun and the bullet aren’t speaking to each other any more.

Mac Finder
It’s easy to shoot yourself in the foot — just point and shoot.

AIX
You can shoot yourself in the foot with either a .38 or a .45.

IRIX
The Terminator shoots you in the foot. A T-Rex bites your other foot.

SVR4
The gun isn’t compatible with your foot.

Minix
You learn how to shoot yourself in the foot with a Saturday Night Special.

Linux
Generous programmers from around the world all join forces to help you shoot yourself in the foot for free.

HURD
You’ll be able to shoot yourself in the foot Real Soon Now.

VM/CMS
IBM shoots you in the foot.

VMS
FOOT ambiguous: supply more toes.

AMIGA-DOS
The gun works pretty well, except that few people use one and it’s impossible to find bullets.

Mach
The bullets work pretty well, but they don’t make guns for it any more.

Cray
You shoot yourself in the foot with an Uzi.

MasPar
You shoot all of your friends’ feet simultaneously.

Approaching the friend he comments, “You look terrible. What’s the problem?”

“My mother died in August,” he said, “and left me $25,000.”

“Gee, that’s tough,” he replied.

“Then in September,” the friend continued, “My father died, leaving me $90,000.”

“Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you’re depressed.”

“And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000.”

“Three close family members lost in three months? How sad.”

“Then this month,” continued, the friend, “absolutely nothing!”

• Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
• One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
• Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
• If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
• The main reason that Santa Claus is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
• I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” she said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
• What if there were no hypothetical questions?
• If a deaf child signs swear words, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
• If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
• Is there another word for synonym?
• Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
• What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
• If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
• Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
• Why do they lock petrol station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
• If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
• Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
• If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
• Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
• How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?
• What was the best thing before sliced bread?
• One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
• Does the little mermaid wear an algebra?
• Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
• How is it possible to have a civil war?
• If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
• If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
• If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
• Whose cruel idea was it for the word ‘lisp’ to have ‘s’ in it?
• Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
• Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
• Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
• If you spin an oriental person in a circle three times, do they
  become disoriented?
• Can an atheist get insurance against acts of god?

A child's play

A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee’s home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whisper.

The child says, “Hello.”

“Is your daddy home?” he asked.

“Yes,” whispered the small voice.

Boss: “May I talk with him?”

The child whispered, “No.”

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, “Is your Mommy there?”

Child: “Yes.”

Boss: “May I talk with her?”

Again the small voice whispered, “No.”

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, “Is anybody else there?”

“Yes,” whispered the child, “a policeman”

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked, “May I speak with the policeman?”

“No, he’s busy”, whispered the child.

Boss: “Busy doing what?”

“Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman,” came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, “What is that noise?”

“A helicopter” answered the whispering voice.

“What is going on there?” demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered, “The search team just landed the helicopter.”

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, “What are they searching for?”

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle:

“ME.”