Posts Tagged ‘Joke’

Little Johnny, the Smart Salesman

March 10th, 2010

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited.

Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Mary led off: “I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30.”

She said proudly, “My sales approach was to appeal to the customers’ civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success.”

“Very good,” said the teacher.

Little Sally was next: “I sold magazines.”

She said, “I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them abreast of current events.”

» Read more: Little Johnny, the Smart Salesman

The Doctor’s Confessions

January 12th, 2010

A group of psychiatrists were attending a convention. Four of them decided to leave, and walked out together.

One of them said to the other three, “People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears, but we have no one that we can go to when we have problems.”

The others agreed. Then one said, “Since we are all professionals, why don’t we take some time right now to hear each other out?”

The other three agreed.

» Read more: The Doctor’s Confessions

No Luck With The Ladies

January 12th, 2010

A man walked into a therapist’s office looking very depressed. “Doc, you’ve got to help me. I can’t go on like this.”

“What is the problem?” the doctor inquired.

“Well, I am 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away.”

The doctor replied, “My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you’ll have women buzzing all around you.”

» Read more: No Luck With The Ladies

Dear God!!!

December 10th, 2009

Dear God,

Yesterday was an awful day for me..

My husband ran off with his secretary.
My son pierced his eyebrow.
My daughter tattooed the bald spot on her head.
My dog mated with the neighbor’s cat.
My neighbor sold her house to a mental institution.
My Mom told me I was adopted.
My boss told me I was laid off.
My sister was arrested for prostitution.
My house has termites.
My car was stolen.
All that came in the mail was bills.
A plane crash landed on my garage.
OJ Simpson came to my door selling rug cleaner.
And my TV blew.

Lord, please be with me today.

I was able to live through all that misery yesterday.

And I will be able to make it through anything today!

But please….

DON’T LET ANYTHING HAPPEN TO MY COMPUTER!

Modern Operating Systems

December 10th, 2009

Unix
You shoot yourself in the foot.

DOS
You keep running up against the one-bullet barrier.

MS-Windows
The gun blows up in your hand.

Windows NT
The gun is so huge and unwieldy that you have to keep swapping it from one hand to the other.

» Read more: Modern Operating Systems

Absolutely Nothing?

November 24th, 2009

Absolutely NothingA man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.

Approaching the friend he comments, “You look terrible. What’s the problem?”

“My mother died in August,” he said, “and left me $25,000.”

“Gee, that’s tough,” he replied.

“Then in September,” the friend continued, “My father died, leaving me $90,000.”

“Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you’re depressed.”

» Read more: Absolutely Nothing?

The Philosophy of Ambiguity

November 23rd, 2009

AmbiguityFor those who love the philosophy of ambiguity, as well as the idiosyncrasies of English:

  • Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
  • One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
  • Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
  • If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
  • The main reason that Santa Claus is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. » Read more: The Philosophy of Ambiguity

A Child’s Play

September 30th, 2009
A child's play

A child's play

A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee’s home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whisper.

The child says, “Hello.”

“Is your daddy home?” he asked.

“Yes,” whispered the small voice.

Boss: “May I talk with him?”

The child whispered, “No.”

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, “Is your Mommy there?”

Child: “Yes.”

Boss: “May I talk with her?”

» Read more: A Child’s Play

Brilliant Spelling

August 17th, 2009

DORMITORY: When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN: When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER: When you rearrange the letters: MOON STARER

DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES: When you rearrange the letters: THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH: When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE

GAUTENG: When you rearrange the letters: GET A GUN

THE MORSE CODE: When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY: When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS: When you rearrange the letters: LIES – LET’S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS: When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z ‘S

A DECIMAL POINT: When you rearrange the letters: IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES: When you rearrange the letters: THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO: When you rearrange the letter: TWELVE PLUS ONE

MOTHER-IN-LAW: When you rearrange the letters: WOMAN HITLER

She is a woman

August 8th, 2009
She is a woman

If you kiss her, you are not a gentleman
If you don’t, you are not a man

If you praise her, she thinks you are lying
If you don’t, you are good for nothing

If you agree to all her likes, you are a wimp
If you don’t, you are not understanding

If you visit her often, she thinks it is boring
If you don’t, she accuses you of double-crossing

If you are well dressed, she says you are a playboy
If you don’t, you are a dull boy

If you are jealous, she says it’s bad
If you don’t, she thinks you do not love her

If you attempt a romance, she says you didn’t respect her
If you don’t, she thinks you do not like her

If you are a minute late, she complains it’s hard to wait
If she is late, she says that’s a girl’s way

If you visit another man, you’re not putting in “quality time”
If she is visited by another woman, “oh it’s natural, we are girls”

If you kiss her once in a while, she professes you are cold
If you kiss her often, she yells that you are taking advantage

If you fail to help her in crossing the street, you lack ethics
If you do, she thinks it’s just one of men’s tactics for seduction

She is a womanIf you stare at another woman, she accuses you of flirting
If she is stared by other men, she says that they are just admiring

If you talk, she wants you to listen
If you listen, she wants you to talk

In short:
So simple, yet so complex
So weak, yet so powerful
So damning, yet so wonderful
So confusing, yet so desirable……

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